Leaked Report: 96% of Management Consultant Reports 'Bollocks'

A leaked report, apparently commissioned by management consultants Price Waterhouse Coopers, claims that 96% of management consultancy reports are "complete and utter bollocks." The report is scathing in its criticisms of the consultancy business. The author, who has now left PWC, claims that companies would save far more money by implementing sensible hiring and business practices, rather than running "blathering, chequebook in hand, to consultancy firms and treating them as shamans and mystics who can mysteriously solve everything."

The report is particularly critical of the language used by consultants and the senior management at the companies they work with:

Most of the language used by consultants (and indeed the majority of our clients' senior management) is an attempt to sound more intelligent and important than they actually are. We tend to spend a lot of our time in meetings and giving presentations rather than doing any real work and as such we have little to show in the way of results. Rather than increasing a company's revenue, looking at ways it could develop its employees or plotting the future course of the company, we prefer to make speeches, give presentations and write motivational emails using popular buzzwords and phrases. A straw poll among my colleagues showed that "focus on focus," "mission critical" and any reference to "synergy" are our current favourites.

The report concluded by saying that the essence of consultancy is "little more than charlatanry dressed up as a form of business intelligence." It goes on to say that the leading consultancies exist "for no appreciable reason other than to charge equally pompous executives a shitload to tell them what, for most people, should be self-evident."

Senior executives at PWC today would not give any further information with regards to the identity of the report's author and why it was commissioned. However, sources have indicated that it was written at the same time as another recently leaked report, "Advertising: Selling People Shit They Don't Want or Need," written by a former employee at DDB London. The offices of both companies are close to a West London branch of Starbucks which was closed recently after traces of sodium thiopental were discovered.